By Marcel Strigberger | May 25, 2025
En garde! Choose your weapon. Actually, do you know what constitutes a weapon? You may be surprised what ignorance of the answer to this question can cost you. This gets me to turtles, turkey and Toblerone.
A gentleman from Pennsylvania recently set off an alarm at Newark Liberty International Airport in New Jersey. Security searched him, and something appeared to be hidden in the groin area of his pants. When questioned, the guy removed a 12-centimetre-long turtle. It remains unclear why the man hid this critter in his pants. Security noted that they often find hidden knives or other weapons, but not turtles. No charges have been laid so far, and the investigation continues.
Can the turtle possibly be a weapon? What if it is a ninja? For that gentleman’s sake, I hope he did not address his pet as Michelangelo. And for that matter, I trust the man, before going through security, was wise enough to remove the turtle’s little black belt. Kiai!!
So far, so good. But the next two individuals were not so lucky.
Like the Swiss politician Marc Jaisli. He ordered a couple of pink water pistols online as a gift for his godchildren. He was subsequently charged with violating the country’s weapons law and fined 6,500 francs, about US$7,400. Prosecutors claimed there was a violation of the law as this item could be confused with a real firearm.
Give me a break. What Jaisli ordered was absolutely, undeniably a water gun. I’d say this conviction is cuckoo. Show me one instance where some masked man ever walked into a Swiss bank waving a pink water pistol and shouting, “Give me 20,000 francs or I drench the counter!”
I wonder how the police even found out about this “weapon.”. Do they have specially-trained dogs sniffing mailboxes? Perhaps a canine division consisting of St. Bernards? What do they carry in those barrels around their necks? Handcuffs? Holy Zermatt!
But a fine of 6,500 francs is nothing compared to the four years in the slammer that 80-year-old grandmother Asiye Kaytan received for discharging her weapon: a slipper.
The grandma had been caring for her 18-year-old granddaughter Vural since her parents split. An argument ensued when Vural wanted to go out with friends one evening. To protect Vural, grandma locked her in her room. When the argument boiled over, Asiye picked up her slipper and whacked the kid on the arm. Vural responded by striking her grandmother on the head with her phone, drawing blood.
Someone called an ambulance. Although the two women did not want to escalate the matter, the first responders notified police who, after some interrogation, concluded Vural was acting in self-defence, and ergo, charged the octogenarian grandmother with depriving Vural of her liberty and assault with a weapon, namely the slipper. The court hit her for over four years in jail for both offences, of which over two years was for the dangerous slipper charge. I wonder what the arrest looked like: “OK, lady, come out with your hands up — barefoot.”
Grandma’s lawyer has launched an appeal. He cites a Turkish precedent in which a lady was convicted for using a slipper as a weapon.
I ran a question by Siri on safe travel in Turkey. She referred me to a site where I could download a form to register my slippers. I doubt even Rick Steves knows this.
So what constitutes a weapon? Who knows? Turtles? All I can say is I would have no problem packing a box of chocolate Turtles if I were flying into the US. But Switzerland? If you must, consider a Toblerone. And Turkey? I’d go with Turkish Delight. But don’t toss any at your granddaughter.
Marcel Strigberger is a Toronto-based lawyer, humourist and author, who now devotes his time to being funny and writing after 40 years of balancing these endeavours with a civil litigation practice. First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available in eBook and paper versions on Amazon, Indigo, Apple books, etc., and, Strigberger adds, wherever great books are sold.
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