By Marcel Strigberger | May 8, 2025
“My object all sublime I shall achieve in time — To let the punishment fit the crime” — The Mikado
Interested in a free car wash? You might be able to get one if you’re willing to travel to Genesee County, Michigan. And maybe not yet.
A judge, one Jeffrey Clothier, opted to deal with Walmart shoplifters in a unique manner. He ordered over 100 pilferers to do community service by performing free car washes in the springtime. I suppose the humiliation of these “Walmart car washes,” as they became known, acted as a general deterrent. Sort of like the Scarlet Letter. I don’t know whether Clothier also ordered the thieves to paint a red “T” on their foreheads. Even more humiliating would be a red “WC”.
In any event, Senior Judge William Crawford II overturned these sentences, noting Clothier did not consult him in advance dabout their appropriateness, which, he maintained, “deviates from the usual and accepted methods.”
I disagree with Judge Crawford II. After all, it’s not as if the shoplifters were going to be shipped to Australia.
I understand that a couple of dozen other judges in the state liked the car wash route. Had Judge Crawford II not interfered, maybe car wash orders would have been extended to shoplifters at other retailers, such as Costco. And given Costco’s policies of selling large or multiple units of items, judges might have ordered the rogues to wash car fleets. Or maybe larger vehicles. “This week’s special at Costco: Have a dirty cement truck?”
As well, Costco is well known for its generous satisfaction guaranteed and easy return policies. I’m not sure how this would kick in. It’s not as if you don’t like the car wash, you will return the dirt.
Clothier promised to come up with other creative ways to deal with the problem.
I have some ideas for community service. For example, why not order Walmart thieves to give back to the victim? Make them spend a few hours being Walmart greeters. Or have them direct customers to the appropriate pay terminals. “You may go to the open cash register lines one to five. Or self-checkout machines. I’m here today because I self-checked out by bypassing those machines.”
Another possibility of great benefit to the community would be to place the convicts at call centres. We are all sick and tired of calling a bank, insurance company, or utility and having to listen to a recording pleading that “We are receiving more calls than usual,” then told to stay on the line to maintain our priority, all the while subjected to agonizing repetitive music. Solution? Order the crooks to answer the phone lines, thereby shortening the wait times. Scarlet Letter optional. Instead, make them pay for their crimes by shaming them in a way that will deter reoffending. “Good afternoon. Thanks for calling. I’m James Beamish, the shoplifter. How can I help you today?”
Justice Clothier has been on the bench only since January. He certainly brings innovative ideas to the courtroom. I suppose he will continue thinking of solutions, outside the box, or rather, outside the box store.
Marcel Strigberger retired from his Greater Toronto Area litigation practice and continues the more serious business of humorous author and speaker. His book, Boomers, Zoomers, and Other Oomers: A Boomer-biased Irreverent Perspective on Aging, is available on Amazon (e-book) and in paper version. His new(!) book First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available on Amazon, Apple and other book places. Visit www.marcelshumour.com. Follow him on X: @MarcelsHumour.
RELATED ARTICLES