By Marcel Strigberger | April 1, 2025
Canada becoming the 51st American state? Bah Trumpbug! Too many obstacles anyway.
1. The monarchy
We already have a king. Just look at any reported criminal case and you will see a designation such as Rex v. Jones or Rex v. Brown, etc., etc. And the prosecutors, of course, are called “Crowns”. No doubt, His Majesty enjoys the royal tradition of being at the forefront of the criminal justice system, a task he is unlikely to relinquish. Most likely, President Trump would compromise somewhat on the designation, but I doubt that Charles III would agree to becoming “Rex Donald”.
2. Sacred cows
We have several guaranteed rights entrenched in our Constitution. I have not read the BNA Act since law school. But I am certain I recall a provision which prohibits merging with any nation that does not have a zed in their alphabet.
3. Other animals
Other than cows, what about the rights of some of our other iconic symbols? Before any amalgamation could take place, there would likely be a plebiscite. And given the increasing influence of animal rights groups, there would no doubt be demands to allow our beavers to vote. And our moose. (Or is it mooses? Or more than one moose? I doubt the Americans have the answer.) But they might intervene in our plebiscite by sneaking into polling stations and releasing clusters of bald eagles.
4. Capital punishment
This concerns me. I would hate to see a resurrection of the death penalty in Canada. Maybe there is a compromise solution. Virtual execution. The judge pronounces the death penalty, but the defendant is not executed. He is deemed dead only in law. He would not be eligible to receive employment insurance, Canada Pension, or a driver’s licence. Regarding the latter, modifications might be necessary for Montreal criminals as most drivers generally operate their vehicles as if they never passed a driving test.
5. Quebec otherwise
As Tevye of Fiddler on the Roof might say, on the other hand, there is no otherwise. The people of Quebec would never go for the merger. Why should they share their greatest natural resource, maple syrup? I would have no problem if they sent Americans all their poutine. Or their Montreal drivers.
6. Language rights
And speaking of Quebec, for over 150 years, Canadians have had the inalienable right to a trial in English or French. I don’t think most of us would care to mess around with this and include the right to a trial in New Jerseyish. Yeah right. We would have a problem with dat.
7. Police forces
We are happy, thank you very much, with our world-famous RCMP. As they say, “We always get our whatever”. I imagine if we did merge with the United States there would likely be friction between the FBI and the Mounties. This sort of gets me back to animal rights. Undoubtedly, it would not be long before the president favoured the FBI and fired all those horses. Shame.
We would also have a problem with the American spellings. We love our extra u’s. It gives our language a nicer flavour, or should I say, a more colourful flavour.
No sir. We’ll resist joining your nation with all vigour. But we can still be friends, neighbour.
Marcel Strigberger is a Toronto-based lawyer, humourist, and author who now devotes his time to being funny and writing after 40 years of balancing these endeavours with a civil litigation practice. First, Let’s Kill the Lawyer Jokes: An Attorney’s Irreverent Serious Look at the Legal Universe, is available in eBook and paper versions on Amazon, Indigo, Apple books, etc., and, Strigberger adds, wherever great books are sold.
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